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Creative Computers
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Creative Computers CD-ROM, Volume 1 (Legendary Design Technologies, Inc.)(1994).iso
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jokes1.txt.pp
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jokes1.txt
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1994-11-17
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381 lines
A wealthy man recently died and in his last remaining will he
requested that all his money be buried with him
After he kicked the bucket, his priest, doctor, and
lawyer got together and decided they should each hold one-third
of the money until the cremation.
At the funeral, they watched the coffin and money go into the
furnace. The priest said, "I confess, I held back a thousand
dollars to go to the orphans' home. I thought it would be a
shame to let the money ALL go to waste."
The doctor said, "I admit, I donated $2000 to a medical school
so that more doctors could save more lives. I knew he'd have
approved."
The lawyer grinned and said, "How could you all do that? I
left a check for the full amount!"
QUES: WHAT DOES MY BOSS HAVE IN COMMON WITH A DIAPER?
ANS: HE'S ALWAYS ON MY ASS AND IS USUALLY FULL OF SHIT
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. That is a hardware problem.
HOW MANY U.B.C. WOMEN DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
ANSWER: 1 ONE TO HOLD THE BULB AND THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND
What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake?
A: Cars swerve to avoid the snake.
A man in bed with his wife (both sleeping) hears her having
a bad dream. "GET OUT, GET OUT!" she screams. "MY HUSBAND IS
COMING!!" With that the man jumps out of bed and dives out the
window!
A little boy goes Trick-Or-Treating on Halloween as a pirate. He rings
the doorbell and a lady answers. She says, "Look, it's Captain Kidd!
Where's your buchaneers?" The kid replies, "Under my bucken' hat".
A man wants to have sex with his wife. His wife keeps insisting
"NO, I have a gynocologyst appointment tomorrow!". The husband thinks
a while then asks, "You don't have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do
you?".
The only difference between a Macintosh
and an Etch-A-Sketch
is you don't have to turn the Macintosh
upside down to clear the screen!
What is the motto for a local crematorium?
We make our money the old-fashioned way, we urnnnn it!
Did you hear they were going to make a movie about Len Bias?
Don Rogers had the lead.
WHAT WERE THE SPACE SHUTTLE COMMANDER'S LAST WORDS?
ANSWER: I TOLD YOU IDIOTS NOT TO FART UP HERE!
CONCERNING THE S. COURT UPHOLDING....BLAH/BLAH...
If God hadn't intended us to have oral sex, how come the male organ
resembles a hot dog and the female a taco?
........................................................................
Popular with east coast colleages is the q." How many
Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
a. "None, Californians screw in Hot Tubs......."
WHAT DOES IT SAY INSIDE ALL SHOES SOLD IN ITALY?
ANSWER- PUT TOE IN FIRST!
WHAT IS STAMPED ON THE BOTTOM OF WINE BOTTLES SOLD IN ITALY?
ANSWER- OPEN OTHER END!
HOW CAN YOU TELL WHO THE BRIDE IS AT AN ITALIAN WEDDING?
ANSWER: SHE IS THE ONE WITH THE CLEAN BOWLING SHIRT!
WHY DON'T THEY LET HELLICOPTERS FLY OVER ITALY?
ANSWER- BECAUSE THEY MAKE A NOISE THAT SOUNDS LIKE"WOP-WOP-WOP"!
Isn't it ironic that the Supreme Court decision on Sodomy Laws
came out the way it did. After all, the last thing the gays
expected was to have the law shoved up their ass.
There was a tremendous bash in Valhalla and all the Norse gods
got really smashed. The next day, Thor, the god of thunder,
woke up to find himself in bed with a beautiful, quite naked,
woman he had never laid eyes on before. As he lay there trying
to remember who she was and how she got there, he realized that
she was awake and observing him silently. Feeling somewaht
sheepish he said "Hi, I'm Thor". "You're Thor?!! I'm tho thor
I can hardly pith!", she replied.
What do Len Bias and flowers have in common?
They both die two days after ya pick 'em!!!
<Ya heard it here first. Thankyew 'n' g'night.>
When Sven got married, he got extremely drunk at the reception. His
bride was so disgusted that she went upstairs to their suite without
him. Finally Sven's friends bring him upstairs. They unlock the door
to find his wife in bed with the best man! Sven begins guffawing
hysterically upon seeing this. "Calm down, Sven! You're drunk!" shout
his friends, but Sven begins knocking on neighboring doors and inviting
everyone to see the action in his room. "Sven! Stop it at once!
You're drunk!" said one of his friends, but Sven just answered, between
giggles, "I'm drunk? ME?!! Look at Olie! He's SO drunk he thinks that
he's me!"
Once there was a tribe in deepest Africa, and the king was not loved by
his subjects. Several of the tribesmen decided to steal his throne, as
tribal law dictated that the king was whomever sat on the throne. They
broke into his hut one night and took the Great Tribal Seat, but as they
were leaving with it, one of the men tripped and all the spears in the
hut clattered against each other. This woke the guards, so they ran out
at top speed. Realizing the king's sworn men were in pursuit, they had
to hide the throne in one of their own grass huts rather than where they
originally planned to hide it, miles away in a secret cave. The next
day the king's men performed a search on every hut in the village, and
the throne was discovered. The owner of the hut, and his confederates,
were all executed in front of the entire tribe.
MORAL: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
1. How does Anita Bryant spell relief?
A-I-D-S.
2. Why didn't gay Hollywood actors need insurance until recently?
They had a piece of the Rock.
What do call a man with no arms and no legs ...
1. In the ocean?
Bob.
2. On the wall?
Art.
3. At the front door?
Matt.
4. In a ditch?
Phil.
5. What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
6. If she's Asian?
Irene.
1. Why do Blacks wear platform shoes?
So their nuckles won't drag on the ground.
2. Have you seen Ray Charles' wife?
Neither has he!
4. What is black and white and has three eyes?
Mr. and Mrs. Sammy Davis, Jr.
What do you get if you cross a rooster with an owl?
A Cock that stays up all night
Do you know why the snowman was smiling?
He saw a snow blower coming his way.
A granmother type walked into the 'Hell's Angels' office and
declared that she'd like to join. The guy sitting there kind
of smiled and told her that there were a few requirements and he doubted
that she'd qualify. She insisted so he asked if she had a motorcycle.
"Of course" she said, "That's my Harley right outside."
"Well, you've got to have a leather jacket too," he said.
"Are you blind? There it is hanging right there on the bike"
"OK, OK but have you ever been picked-up by the fuzz?"
"Well no," she said, "but I've been flung around by the titties
a few times!"
A scientist doing research on the prevention of death
used dolphins as his experimental subjects. They were
kept on an unusual diet, involving the consumption of
mynah birds and fresh lion flesh. One day while the
scientist was out procuring birds, the lions escaped
and were just out the door when a guard shot them with
a tranquilizer gun and they fell asleep instantly. The
scientist returned, and he had to step over the
immobile cats to get in. Immediately, he was arrested
by a state trooper for transporting mynahs across staid
lions for immortal porpoises.
The absent minded professor was told by his wife that they were
moving that day. "Remember," she said, "don't go to our old
house. Come home to the new house." At the end of the day, the
professor went home to the old house, and was puzzled to find
it empty. He saw a small child walking by, and said, "little
boy, do you know where the Jones' are"? The child replied:
"Daddy, mommy sent me to get you!"
What two things in the air can get a girl pregnant?
Her legs!
A man walks into a bar, and sees a large, muscalar dude downing some
brewskis. He walks over to the big guy, and asks, "Do you have AIDS?"
The big guy is really ticked off, grabs the newcomer by the collar, and
yells in his face, "What the hell do you mean, you pipsqueak? Of course
I don't have AIDS!" "Well, then you're just the asshole I'm looking
for!"
H